Bruises

I mentioned in this previous post that it took D and I three years to conceive. That's a long time. Although, for me, it felt more like 1,095+ days. Looong days. It wasn't just 1,095+ days, either. It consisted of days being so consumed by the fact that it was taking a lot time, wasn't going to "plan," what-ifs, when do we draw the line, and the how far are we willing to pursue this? On top of that I majorly went through all stages of the grief cycle.

Yep... all 1,095+ days.

The time from September 2010 up until a couple months ago seemed to be the hardest. For the first time ever in my life I couldn't even be near a baby nonetheless look at one. There have been a couple times that I've had to drop everything and leave a store because I saw one while grocery shopping and just couldn't handle it. Even hearing one cry from across the store could trigger my anxiety level in .5 seconds.

And don't even get me started on baby showers.

Ingrained in my head was the idea that it things weren't working because I didn't deserve it. I know, I know- so not the case. It took medication and working with a counselor to retrain my brain to not feel that way. Then- ever so slowly- I took a huge leap and met up with a friend who had a little one. It was a success... a small one... but I'm glad I did it. I ripped the large band aid off and exposed my open wound.

Now that I am pregnant I've found myself in a strange place. Part of me is over the moon. Part of me is in disbelief... still. Part of me still feels the infertility bruises. I wasn't one who simply stopped birth control and was pregnant three months later. I had to work for this. Hard. The part that feels the bruises is worried that it could all be taken away as fast as it came. I feel as if this is the crappiest thing about infertility- in one way or another it never leaves you.

During those 1,095+ days I never allowed myself buy anything baby related if it wasn't a gift for someone else. In fact, the baby section was an area I frequently avoided in stores. Occasionally friends would hand me down a few things but 90% of the time I would end up donating the item. (Minus a couple things) I always thought that I would buy up a storm if we ever became pregnant. Well... at least something to commemorate the pregnancy. But, no. I've actually avoided it. I can look and browse but something has held me back from buying. That really bothered me.

Once again... I braced myself as I ripped off the band aid exposing a re-opened wound, hoping that the fresh air would do it some good. I popped into a local children's store and made my first purchase: a little cream snowsuit.

I hate that bruises of infertility may never fade away... but I also love how infertility has made me immensely grateful for the little one that is to come.